I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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