Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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