I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw a hot homeless man
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
