Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
