Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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