Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
