Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
my shit smells like andre
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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