If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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