I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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