And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
