She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
