remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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