I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
