remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
