i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
