There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
