You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
