How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
