My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
