I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
