I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
