Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
