So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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