im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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