after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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