i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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