make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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