Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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