She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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