I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
