I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I can't turn off my feet"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
