new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sext me about skeletons
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
