I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
