if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
