Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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