Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
