I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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