I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
