I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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