***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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