sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
