It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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