i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
