I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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