It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
