You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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