I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
