I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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