My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
