I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
