I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
