Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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