i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
