Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
