does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Randomize
