I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
